Day 5

08:58 uur

It has begun…

My cellphone is turned off since yesterday. I cannot stand reading messages from the “outside world” any longer. And it’s not that anyone is interested in me anyway! So, just turn it off.

While I am writing this I know that it’s not true. There are people that are interested in me… maybe…

I am not saying that I cannot do anything against it – I can… I’ts just so darn hard. Cause it is starting again…

So, noticed… – now, let’s see how to cope with it. What would I normally feel or think if I would be allowed to go outside? I mean, it’s not the first time this is happening to me.

Hahahahahaha! I would turn off my phone for a day. Just ignore all those fun stories of my friends. Dweel in dark thoughts, cry, curse everything, throw some stuff at my walls.

And after that I would figure out things that make me happy again – make some music for instance. I have loads of projects that have been waiting for a week. But most importantly, I would just let it happen. Give into it.

Because it belongs to me. It’s who I am. Thinking that I’m not worth anything and not Ok. Left. Alone. Thinking that nobody understands me. And everyone abandones me. Where are they, my friends?

But to be hones – on days like this – I don’t wanna see them, I don’t wanna hear them. I don’t want them to try to cheer me up and tell me: “I believe in you!” or “You can do it!” Or, even worse ask: “What can I do for you?” or “You want me to drop by?” Just leave me alone! Bugger off everybody!

And if they came here I would have to talk to them. And I really don’t want to. All that blablabla…

I wonder – If I had a girlfriend just like me? How would I cope with her?

I’d read and follow her blog.

I would write funny comments, such as “I got peanuts and cheese here for you at the ready!”

I would call her – which is pretty dangerous… cause if she really is like me then I know that she won’t say anything for the first five to ten minutes. Be really quiet and try to bite me off. Vicious even. But I also know that she does not want to be like that. I know that if I just let her be she will come out of that shell. And then she starts to come alive again…

Most importantly, I would never ever try to cheer her up. Don’t pressure her. Don’t use sentences, such as: “You can do it. It’ll pass.” Give her all the time she needs to talk. She knows that this is only a phase she is going through.

And the worst, what I really never, ever would say: “Why not make some music? Why not do this or that?” She knows that, too – but she just does not have the energy to get to it. And if I say stuff like that I know that I’ll only make things worse for her. Because then she won’t only feel down – no – she will feel completely useless. She is just wasting her precious time on doing nothing at all…

See y’all later!

11:10 a.m.

Thanks for calling, Regina and Jan.

I wonder… you should think that us human beings have learned something from “these time”? Not go to work when we are sick? Listen to our bodies more, take a step back? Don’t “they” say that? Just become more human again?

Hmm… so if I read this right – I don’t have to go into isolation if I work or study in a risk area? Work is important!

Sorry, guys… I don’t get it… I can work in the gastronomy in a foreign country if I cannot work from home – if they really need me there. I mean, I cannot work at the bar via skype… And then I don’t have to go into isolation? But I can’t work behind the bar in the Netherlands… not allowed to? Well… at this moment I can’t anyway… cause gastronomy is mainly closed…

Darn, why am I not intelligent enough to get this?

So – work is more important than family and friends, right? If I (yep, here we go again) if I wanna visit Anna-MS or Regina I have to go into isolation for 20 days again – ten or sometimes 14 in Germany and ten in the Netherlands.

But if I’d go work for Regina or Anna-Ms, if they would really need me there for work… then I would not have to go into isolation, right?

Buuuuuuuut if one of them would say: “Luisa, please! I have to see you, I cannot take it anymore. Please help me!” I do have to go into isolation? Because: helping my friends just doesn’t count as much as working? My friends are just not important enough to be helped?

Could it be: I am less “infectious” when I work? Am I more human when I work?

No – don’t understand it…

See y’all later!

12:02 p.m.

Ok… time for earplugs and headphones again. Why are some people just to stupid to turn down the bass while listening to music at home? Yes, dinosaurfemale, I mean YOU!

I am not even allowed to go there and tell her. I mean, she’s never bothered anyway…

See y’all later!

03:33 p.m.

C’mon people! It’s a very noisy house! Get a good bed before having dinosaur sex! Turning up the music again… darnit! Maybe I’m just being jealous, could be.

See y’all later!

05:35 p.m.

Hihi, I love “my” musical! It just makes me happy. Well, as happy as I can be at the moment.

Just been thinking about something… as the Stella Maris’ official DPA (“Displaced Person Ashore” hahaha) – if I needed Anna-MS here? Cause I have to sign her up and do the familiaristion talk… I really have to do that. And showing her how to the planning, the MLC and ISM. Organisation and stuff. And we can only do it here, at my place. It’s work! So, does she have to go into isolation?

See y’all later!

10:00 p.m.

Ok, just gonna finish up for today.

Take care,

The Girl with Goat Wool Socks